By Kathleen Malligan
Triumphant Ministries Toowoomba
June 15th 2013
I am the eighth child out of ten, born in a small country town and hoped desperately from the womb to have been a boy. My parents had their first born a son, then seven girls, and I am the seventh; three years later a son was born, then seven years later another son. So being the seventh girl in a row I was not received as the gender I was, with this reaction, “Oh no not another girl!”
Adding to this when I was brought home my mother had to abdicate her role giving me over to be nurtured by my three eldest sisters, so she was unable to bond to me as a baby so I was a clingy and insecure child. I have read that rejection and detachment in a relationship with mother disconnects you from your feminine gender. My mother was bound in the cycle of motherlessness so she was not a verbally relational woman but she was affectionate and I knew she loved me.
I grew up in poverty and in fear and terror as my father was an abdicating adulterous alcoholic wife-beating husband and this gave cause for me to not trust men. I feared men and vowed no man would ever hit me or hurt me, let alone control me with money as he did to Mum. To add to this I knew many girls throughout my school years and in the neighbourhood who were being sexually abused by their fathers! This enforced so much more fear of men and over those years I greatly feared if I married a man he would molest the daughters.
I believe fear is the root cause of my homosexuality and demon spirits; yes demon spirits took opportunities to build themselves a stronghold a fortified grip. I recall very clearly at the age of four being under a car with a spanner and a strong supernatural power being present. I even recall that power saying it would be better to be a boy than a girl.
As the years went on I rejected femininity and accepted masculinity, unconsciously I would have been looking for acceptance from my mother and not accepting myself as female in subconscious for fear of being weak like I thought my mother was! But truth was she was not weak it was but another lie I believed from lying spirits to form the homosexual persona.
I was dressing like a boy, acting like a boy, being tough like a boy and I thought being affirmed as a tom-boy to be given all the boy jobs; so spirits of darkness had enough grounds to bring forth same sex attraction, and they had legal opportunity to twist my sexuality with the open doors they had down the family line.
I took Jesus as my Saviour during the three years I was Sunday Schooled from the age of ten to thirteen at a small Baptist Church in Toowoomba. At the age of fourteen I recall fantasizing about an older woman who lived on the corner of my street and she was forty. Today I recognize those thoughts as spirits of darkness that had taken advantage of my emotional instability to continue to birth homosexual attraction.
Why do I say this? Because today I know those voices and their presence and I do not believe we are born homosexual. I believe that spirits capitalize on our fragmentation and circumstances to bring forth a homosexual personality a false personality just as they do under the star signs conform you to be as a Virgo a Capricorn ect. And I one hundred per cent believe they have door ways of ancestral sins that gives them the right to be in our lives and to even start tormenting you from the womb “they want a boy and you are a girl, they won’t love you because you’re a girl.”
I had sexual intimacy first with a girl my age sixteen, at close to seventeen with a twenty one year old man. I had dated two guys for short periods but was unable to yield to love as fear had such a hold of my heart and my mother had unknowingly put much disgust and fear in me about sex with men that this too hindered me. She was expecting me to marry the third boy I was dating, but when I told her I was also seeing a girl and did not want to marry she said, “Then you will have to move out and go and live with your sisters in Perth.”
I had just turned seventeen I was naïve and immature and went straight into the Perth gay scene. The first woman who put it on me I moved in with as my sister required me to find a job and accommodation. She was a prostitute and discipline mistress, ten years my senior, running her own escort agency of three women from her home. Well, what a pit was now being dug for me, I'm sure the demons thought I was going to be theirs forever – but God who ordained me from the womb had a purpose and plan and was watching me like a hawk and yes I should have been dead many times!
Eighteen months later now in Melbourne I snuck away from her to catch a bus to go and live with a sister in Sydney. The next woman I had a relationship with was for five years; she was very beautiful in appearance yet a clever skilled possessive manipulating and an unfaithful red-head. She was the red-head I thought my mother always wanted me to be, but that was another lie! Weakened and controlled, I walked out on her numerous times only to keep going back. Eventually my escape was by getting hypnosis and I do not recommend this occult practice as it opens you to give grounds to a spirit of darkness.
The third and final relationship was for ten years, she was an alcoholic and addict whom I was madly in lust with! When I met her I did not have a clue about the dynamics or the depth of her addictions and brokenness; and little did I know I would become a manipulated rescuer and drug addict for altered states of drug induced sex and of course my life became a train wreck.
I was now about twenty eight and filled with shame so I bought a forty-foot bus to run away and travel around Australia, in the hope I could escape the addict I’d become. In my travels I hit thirty it was time for me to fulfil my inner vow of getting pregnant. So I sought out a man and who would not know my real name or I his; I just wanted his seed for my child. Fear still ruled as I thought if he knew me or my real name he would want my child for holidays and weekends and if I had my daughter he would commit incest with her, so he had to be nameless and so did I.
I had made an inner vow around thirteen or fourteen to have only one child at thirty, a girl with dark brown hair and the blue green eyes, and it happened she has both. I also named her around that age Lillian Grace, her name is Lily-Fern Grace. I even decided what part of Toowoomba I would live in and this is where I live and have done for the last twenty years in my own home.
I want to say she was always my daughter (she is the photo above, and she has never had homosexual attractions I just used her picture) not the child of two lesbians she was my child because of the vow I had made as a teenager! I see the sovereignty of God was in this, for if it was not for my heart wanting and me having my daughter and not wanting her to have the life I lived, I would still be ensnared on the stairway to hell.
When I came home to Toowoomba from Cairns I was so fragmented, riddled with anxiety and fear and with a new born. After a year’s breast feeding I became a drinker from morning till evening. I started to suspect my girlfriend of sexually abusing my daughter but was this that paranoia or was this truth. The psychiatrist couldn’t answer me he just sent me away with a script and took $90 and I never went back and I threw the script as I was pretty sure it was not my mind.
So I started attending Alcoholics Anonymous and in my pain I cried out to the God of my Sunday Schooling, “You have to show me, is she molesting my daughter? I don’t know if it is really true so You have to let me catch her I have so much fear.” He did, while I was on the phone to my AA sponsor I sensed to go and check on Lily and that was the end of the ten year relationship with sex addiction.
HOW THE LORD JESUS CHRIST REVEALED HIMSELF TO ME:
“Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be
that find it.” Matthew 7:14 (KJ)
In 1995 it was around two in the morning and I woke up to go the toilet and at the toilet door was a novel called “Straight Is The Gate” by Marjorie Buckingham. The book was not there that evening when I went to bed, so sometime through the night it supernaturally came off my bookshelf to go through a locked door, to be placed at the toilet door.
I had searched for years for ‘the truth’ through occult readings, other religions, New Age material and numerology as to what was my purpose on earth and where was I going when I died. My mind had got so darkened to the truth of the cross that I’d thought I was an old soul, who had lived before and was coming back again to obtain a higher self. Little did I realize I had a destiny and it was him “that leadeth unto life” eternal (Matthew 7:14) not reincarnation for a higher self.
At the time the Christian novel was placed in the doorway, I had been praying to this unfamiliar higher power of my Sunday school days as I was doing the twelve step programme of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was telling Him I wanted to go back to church so he could change me and free me from the homosexuality and make me the heterosexual woman I deeply wanted to be.
The truth is my homosexual life had been such misery and filled with emotional trauma that I did not want to go back to such a screwed up world. Anyway I knew he called people and I wanted him to call me to a church that had ‘the truth’. I was so bent on finding ‘the truth’ for all those years, that it showed in my reluctance to get caught up with the wrong church as so many cults, religions and spiritual books I’d read claimed they held the truth. I thought it would be the same in the church denominations that named Jesus Christ and it is!
So at 2 am that morning when I found that Novel “Straight is the Gate” at the toilet door, I opened the book to the second page where there was the above Scripture Matthew 7:14 and a stamp reading South Baptist Church. At the time I overlooked the relevance of the Scripture for I was so happy I had received my call and felt called to the Baptist church; I never took it as ‘go the South Baptist Church’, just the Baptist church.
So I prayed again, “Which Baptist church in Toowoomba holds ‘the truth?’” Blindly I waited again for a ‘call’ to a specific Baptist church to attend, then three days later in the mail came an invitation to the opening of The Community Baptist Church at Glenvale - they were the South Baptists they had sold their church. Happy again God had called me, I went to the opening day. There I was in church with my now three year old daughter and I could not wait to get water baptized to wash all my past away, and praise God He gave me the honour of being the first baptized in their new Church baptismal pool.
After the opening day I went for three Sunday’s waiting for an altar call to ‘get saved’ I thought this was the way it should happen as that was what they did every Sunday when I was at Sunday School; but there was no altar call! I wanted to give my life to Jesus, I wanted to get away from the person I had become; I had so much grief, shame and no self-worth. I left that third Sunday in two minds and driving along Greenwattle Street I was thinking “Do I drive back and tell someone I want to be saved or do I just go home?” The struggle was so heavy, ‘don’t go back’, ‘go back’, ‘don’t go back’, ‘go back’, ‘don’t go back’, ‘go back!’ I thought if I don’t go back and surrender I might not ever go back again.
In the back of my mind was a recent occult reading from a warlock who used a deck of cards “You will face a big decision soon and whatever decision you will make it will be what you will be for the rest of your life.” And I believed it, I did not want to be what I had been - a lesbian, a drug addict and an alcoholic. Nor did I want to be where I was ‘at’ emotionally for the rest of my life and I had a daughter to bring up. So I turned the car around and went back and grabbed a random woman and said, “I want to get saved”. She got the pastor and we three went into his office, all held hands and I prayed the sinner’s prayer.
TESTIMONY TO DATE:
From that date, the 18th October 1995 through to today it has been eighteen years and it has not been an easy road. I knew my self-oh too well and knew if I did not give Christianity 100% commitment I’d go back to drinking and to women. And coming from an independent self-sufficient, rebellious, prideful woman to a self-sacrificing, put-down-the-flesh and obey-your-God woman it has been no easy road, and painfully traumatic, wrestling against powers and spirits of darkness who tormented and physically shook and threw me around.
In my early years in Christ and in church I got ensnared in deception and counterfeit spiritual experiences came on me due to my Scriptural ignorance. So between my desperation for peace from a tormented mind of fear that they used I went out of the will of God. I wished I had never become a Christian I wished I had of stayed drunk and a lesbian.
In those early years I told God many times that if I had known what I was in for when I said I wanted to go back to church, I would have never gone to church. I told Him many a time when I was in those horrors I’d thought that being with Him was the worst relationship I had ever lived in and if there were another god who offered eternal life after death like He did, I would go and serve that god.” But where was I to go into the arms of demons? No I now knew He held The Truth He had the power over darkness I just had to find the way to take a hold of it?
Shunned and rejected by the church at large and put in the ‘too-hard-basket’ I had to find the way of peace the way out. So dealing with my homosexuality was buried and not an issue whilst I fought my demons of fear, the distortion of paranoia and spiritual deception. All of hell was against me; witchcraft screamed at me “how dare you think you can leave us we have had your family for generations.”
I only knew to soldier on in the strength of my ‘survival’ by my sheer will, to fight my way out of such demonic abuse, terror fear and torment. So I went about it by finding out about what gave demons their legal grounds and learning about the wiles of darkness. I had to know this enemy I could not see but feel and hear; their psychic intrusion was so loud because of my dabbling in witchcraft, magic and the occult of tarot cards and numerology.
Yes, it was the long way, and yes it worked out and I am now tall in The Spirit against the enemy. But, I should have learnt first about Jesus, God’s covenant, and the victory of the cross and my inheritance. I should have learnt how I could use the weapons of my warfare that were mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds. I did learn and I learnt purity of warfare where The Spirit of Christ Jesus battles for you in utterance in English and in His heavenly language.
I could not keep my eyes on Jesus and walk in trust and faith I couldn’t, because I disliked Him. I believed He was the one who was allowing all this pain and I thought He was refining me in affliction. That belief came from a word I got from a deliverance minister who said God said “you will be refined in affliction!” It took me years to know from my heart that He did not ordained but He knew me my weaknesses my fears and my personality and He knew how long it would take to overcome my fear and fear of demons and the strength of their lies and deception they had on me and put back on me - the affliction was demonic trauma.
The truth is when I let go of my agenda, my strategies and learnt to listen to God and discern Him from what theirs and my own thoughts were, I got sharp, real sharp. It was then He brought me out of fear and out of so many deceptions and led me to close door after door. It was Jesus who set me at liberty in demolishing the strongholds not only from the ancestors but those of my own iniquities and it is He who enables me to write to others in prayer strategies to close door after door. And it is still Jesus today who enables me not to be ensnared again in these yokes of bondages or in fear or in those old lies and deceptions they once had on me and yes, today I am free from a lesbian lifestyle and mindset and demonic torment.
Today “He sent his Word and healed me from my destruction’s”. (Ps 107:20) I caught up with the Truth, I have received much deliverance and He has taught me self-deliverance as “greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.” Why? The Power of Christ Jesus lives in me and He can cast out any demon and they have to obey when they can no longer remain. I now know His way out, and how to use the weapons of my warfare that are not flesh but Divine Power (2 Cor 10:4) I now know how to in the breath of The Holy Spirit to shut them up shut them down and bring judgment against them “for this is the heritage of all the saints of The Lord to bind their kings with chains their nobles with fetters of iron and to execute upon them the judgments of The Lord” Ps 149:8-9
It has been mainly in the last ten years that Jesus has been healing me of my sexual brokenness and to date I am willingly intertwining in God’s love, kindness and gentleness and love Him. I now know God’s heart and that He loves me so much.
Today I no longer have a hatred or fear of men, today I find myself attracted to them in a new ways and who knows marriage may be around the corner? Today I know who I truly am and today I know I was not born a homosexual only that a breakdown in relationship with my mother, my fear of my father, my fear of men, my perception in my environment, sins against me and other women and curses with spirits of darkness brought forth causations for me to become and live as a homosexual.
Today Jesus has uprooted and caused me to overcome the deep root of abandonment and rejection. He has enabled me to pinpoint the causations of a twisted spirit so that I no longer seek my mother’s approval or relationship or bonding with other women. No longer am I attracted to the red-head my mother wanted me to be, no longer can this hold power over me. No longer am I attracted to the feminine woman that I wanted so desperately to be; my feminine side would surface but I would always go back to the comfortableness of my masculine protective self so no man could hurt me.
He has brought so much healing and changes from the woman I was when I first visited The Community Baptist Church in 1995 to ‘get saved’ and to have my past washed away in baptism. Today he has done such a great transition and transformation that it’s so obvious. His beauty adorns me, His presence is with me and deep down I know I’m not that former woman any longer or the one who ran from self in a forty-foot bus. Today I am truly born again living for Jesus. Today I am so restored, so transformed that I am so comfortable being feminine and connected with being a woman that I am amazed and I am so thankful and grateful - bless God.
Today I no longer identify as being a lesbian but as a heterosexual woman of God; a woman who has been delivered from darkness and set free from the chains that once bound me in abandonment fear addiction and homosexuality. Yes homosexual lust is there and it can surface, so can the alcoholic and the drug addict surface if I choose to resurrect them to walk back in those areas of darkness. But I resist it and I refuse to go back to those lifestyles, I have chosen and I choose His lifestyle - His love - His way of living.
Today I am the woman in Him I was born to be.
Just give me Jesus - I want to testify that by Him living in me it’s no longer I that live but Christ who lives in me; the old has gone and the new has come and I am free and free indeed just give me Jesus.
Our God is Able.
Thank you for taking the time to read my testimony, be blessed and be a blessing
Love Kathleen Malligan
I have written several books that go hand in hand with how Jesus Christ delivered me from unclean spirits and lesbianism and are on the ministry website and links below.
Be blessed and be a blessing
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Triumphant Ministries Toowoomba - Releasing Hearts