The following testimony is what I emailed to Exodus Asia Pacific, however it has to be shortened for their news letter, so I thought I would post the full story, be blessed and be a blessing love Kathleen
LIFE STORY
I am the eighth child out of ten, the last daughter, born in a small country town, hoped desperately from the womb to of been a boy. My parents had their first born a son, then seven girls, to which I am the seventh, three years later a son then seven years later another son. I can say my same sex attraction had its tap root from the womb then at birth I was not received for the gender I was “oh no not another girl!” Adding to this when I was brought home she had to abdicate her role to give me over to be nurtured by the three eldest sisters because of her current life circumstances therefore she was unable to bond.
This rejection and disconnection from relationship with my mother brought forth a disconnection from my feminine gender. I recall very clearly at the age of four being under a car with a spanner, I can even recall the supernatural power very strongly present with me that I gave my femininity away to desire to be a boy. It was then and there I rejected my gender to not accept myself as a girl to not accept myself as the feminine. As the years went on I became more estranged from my gender I was dressing like a boy, acting like a boy, being tough like a boy being affirmed as a tom boy and given all the boy jobs, so homosexuality had well fertilized soil.
My mother was not a verbally relational woman, affectionate yes and I knew she loved me but she herself had been motherless so she was bound in the cycle of motherlessness. Unable to nourish unable to mother with the burden of poverty nine children an abdicating adulteress alcoholic wife beating husband gave prophecy for me to grow up with fear terror and insecurity.
I feared men and vowed no man would ever hit me hurt me let alone control me with money. To add I knew many girls over my school years and in the neighborhood that their fathers were committing incest to! This was the next force that buried the tap root deeper of abandonment and motherlessness for great fear to paranoia took hold. I feared greatly if I married a man he would molest my daughters that it distanced me further from the any desire of a heterosexual lifestyle.
I took Jesus as my Savior all the time in the three years I was Sunday Schooled from the age of ten to thirteen at a small Baptist Church in Toowoomba. By the age of thirteen I was very attracted to the same sex, I could not relate with girls in a mature way at school and I recall fantasizing about an older woman who lived on the corner of my street at fourteen. Today I recognize those thoughts as a work of darkness that they brought forth to fully fertilize homosexual attraction.
At sixteen I had sexual intimacy first with a girl my age, yet I had dated two guys for short periods but was unable to find love or sexual attraction in them for fear had such a hold of my heart. My mother was expecting me to marry the third I was dating but when I told her I was also seeing a girl and did not want to marry she said “you will have to move out and go and live with your sisters in Perth.”
Straight into the Perth gay scene just turning seventeen and the first woman who put it on me I moved in with as my sister required me to find a job and accommodation. I was naive immature fourteen at heart and she was a high class prostitute and discipline mistress ten years my senior running her own escort agency of three women from her home. Well what a pit was now being dug for me, the demons must have thought I was going to be theirs forever – but God who ordained me from the womb had a purpose and plan and was watching me like a hawk.
Eighteen months later being now in Melbourne I snuck away to catch a bus with only my clothes to go and live with a sister in Sydney. The next woman of five years was very beautiful yet a ‘clever skilled possessive manipulating unfaithful red head’ the red head my mother always wanted me to be! Weakened and controlled I walked out on her all the time to just go back then to only escape by getting hypnosis. The third and final woman of ten years was an alcoholic and addict whom I was madly in lust with! I did not have a clue on the dynamics of these addictions or the depth of her addictions and brokenness but I her ex-welfare worker became her rescuer to but only fall into the same snare of drug addiction for the altered states of drug induced sex.
My life had become a train wreck; I was now about twenty nine filled with shame buying a forty foot bus to run away around Australia in hope I’d escape the woman I’d become. In my travels I hit thirty, it was time for me to fulfill my inner vow of getting pregnant; to this I sought out a man for intercourse, a man who would not know my real name or would I his, I just wanted his seed for my vowed child. Fear ruled for I thought if he knew me he would want her for holidays weekends and of course he would incest her so he had to be faceless and nameless.
This inner vow I made with myself around thirteen or fourteen to have only one child at thirty hoping I would have a girl with dark brown hair and the blue green eyes, to both she has. I also named her around that age Lillian Grace, her name is Lily-Fern Grace. I also decided I would live in Gowrie Junction just outside Toowoomba and that’s where I live today and have done for the last eighteen years in my own home. I see the Sovereignty of God was in this for if it was not for having a daughter and not wanting for her the life I lived I may still be ensnared on the stairway to hell.
I came home to Toowoomba from Cairns with a new born, I was so fragmented, riddled with anxiety and fear and then after a year’s breast feeding I became a morning till evening drinker. Then I started to suspect the girlfriend of sexually abusing my daughter! Was this paranoia was this truth? Now attending Alcoholics Anonymous in my desperation I cried out to the God of my Sunday Schooling “You have to show me is she molesting my daughter? I don’t know if it is truly true, you have to let me catch her for I have so much fear.” On the phone to the sponsor I sensed go and check on Lily - man oh man! I had no knowledge that women molest and yes she had been a victim herself, so to the mercy of God I threw myself and following is how He called me back to Himself.
HOW THE LORD JESUS CHRIST REVEALED HIMSELF TO ME:
“Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.” Matthew 7:14 (KJ)
In 1995 it was around two in the morning and I woke up to go the toilet at the toilet door was a novel called “Straight Is The Gate” by Marjorie Buckingham. The book was not there that evening when I went to bed, so sometime through the night it came off my bookshelf to go through a locked door to be placed at the toilet door.
I had searched for years for ‘the truth’ through occult readings, other religions, new age material and numerology as to what was my purpose on earth and where was I going when I died. My mind had got so darkened to the truth of the cross that I’d thought I was an old soul who had lived before and was coming back again to obtain a higher self. Little did I realize I had a destiny and it was Him “that leadeth unto life” eternal (Matthew 7:14) not reincarnation for a higher self.
At the time this Christian novel was placed in the doorway, I had still been praying to this unfamiliar higher power of my Sunday school; telling Him I wanted to go back to Church so He could change me and free me from the homosexual lifestyle and make me the heterosexual woman I deeply wanted to be. My homosexual life had been such misery and emotional trauma that I did not want to go back to such a screwed up world. Anyway I knew He called people and I wanted Him to call me to a Church who had‘the truth’ I was so bent on finding ‘the truth’ for all those years that it reflected. I didn’t want to get caught up with the wrong church as so many cults, religions and spiritual books I’d read claimed they held the truth and I thought it would be the same in the Jesus Christ Church denominations and it is!
So at 2 am that morning when I found that Novel “Straight Is The Gate” at the toilet door I opened the book to the second page there was the above Scripture Matthew 7:14 and a stamp reading South Baptist Church. At the time I over looked the relevance of the Scripture for I was so happy I had received my call and called to the Baptist Church; I never took it as go the South Baptist Church just the Baptist Church.
So I prayed again, “Which Baptist Church in Toowoomba holds ‘the truth?’” Blindly I waited again for a ‘call’ to a specific Baptist Church to attend, then three days later in the mail came an invitation to the opening of The Community Baptist Church at Glenvale. Happy again God had called me so at the opening day there I was in Church with my now three year old daughter. I could not wait to get water baptized to wash all my past away and praise God He gave the honor of being the first baptized in their new Church baptismal pool.
After opening day I went for three Sunday’s waiting for an alter call to ‘get saved’ like they taught me at Sunday school, but no alter call! I wanted to give my life to Jesus to get away from the person I was and what I’d become, so much grief, shame and no self-worth. I left that third Sunday in two minds, driving along Greenwattle Street I was thinking do I drive back and tell someone I want to be saved or do I just go home? The struggle was so heavy, don’t go back, go back, don’t go back, go back, don’t go back, go back! I thought if I don’t go back and surrender I might not ever go back again.
In the back of my mind was a recent occult reading from a deck of cards “You will face a big decision soon and whatever the decision you will make will be what you will be for the rest of your life.”And I believed it, I did not want to be what I had been - a homosexual, a drug addict and an alcoholic or did I want to be where I was ‘at’ emotionally for the rest of my life and I had a daughter to bring up. So I turned the car around went back and grabbed some woman and said, “I want to get saved” she got the Pastor and we three went into his office all held hands and I prayed the sinner’s prayer.
TESTIMONY TO DATE:
From that date, the 18th October 1995 to today it has been seventeen years and it has not been any easy road. I knew my self oh too well and knew if I did not give Christianity 100% commitment I’d go back to darkness. And coming from and independent self-sufficient rebellious prideful woman to a self-sacrificing put down the flesh and obey your God it has been no easy road and very challenging and painfully traumatic wrestling against powers and spirits of darkness.
In my early years in Christ and church I got ensnared in deception and the counterfeit from false revivals as scriptural ignorance was great. So between my desperation for peace from a tormented mind of fear I went out of the will of God and I was sorry I’d ever become a Christian. In those early years I told God many a time if I had of known what I was in for when I said I wanted to go back to Church I would have stayed drunk
and gay. I told Him many a time I’d thought being with Him was the worst relationship I have ever lived in and if there were another god who offered eternal life after death like He did I would go and serve that god.”
Shunned and rejected by the church at large and put in the ‘too hard basket’ I had to find the way of peace so my healing of homosexuality was buried and not an issue whilst I fought my demons of fear, the distortion of paranoia and spiritual deception - all of hell seemed to be against me! I only knew to soldier on in the strength of my ‘survival’ flesh to fight my way out of such demonic fear and torment so I went about it by finding their legal grounds and learning about the wiles of darkness for I had to know this enemy I could not see but hear because of psychic witchcraft intrusion.
Yes it was the long way and yes it worked but, I should have learnt first about Jesus, Covenant, and the victory of the cross and my inheritance of being delivered from the powers of darkness. I should have learnt purity of warfare, how I could use the weapons of my warfare that were mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds. I should have learnt how to keep my eyes on Jesus and walk in trust and faith but really I couldn’t I disliked Him because I believed He was the One who was allowing all this and I thought He was refining me in affliction, as that was a word I got
from a deliverance minister “you will be refined in affliction!”
The truth is when I put down my agenda, my strategies and learnt to listen to Him and discern Him from them and my own thoughts I got sharp, real sharp, it was then He who brought me out of fear and out of deceptions; it was He who set me at liberty in demolishing the strongholds. And it is He today who enables me not to be ensnared again in these yokes of bondages of fear lies deceptions and yes today homosexuality. HE IS THE ONE WHO SETS THE CAPTIVES FREE
I studied His Word “He sent His Word and healed me from my destruction’s” I caught up with the Truth, I received much deliverance, and I now know His way out, His weapons of my warfare that are not flesh but Divine Power. By His Word He has taught and me trained my hand to war and through Him I have possessed those gates of my enemy and to add other spirits of the desolations of my generations no longer exist in my life. HE IS THE TRUTH THE WORD MADE FLESH
Today because of Him I walk in my freedom and liberty from the persuasion and powers of darkness, today I would not trade my liberty for homosexual love money or sex. Today because of Him I have overcome paranoia and fear, today because of Him I have overcome many spirits of darkness and my great fear of them; today that once fortified stronghold of fear is demolished. Today Love casts out fear today I have the promise of a sound mind the peace beyond what I ever imagined and joy, a joy unspeakable. HE IS MY COVENANT OF LOVE
It has been mainly in the last ten years that He has been healing me of my sexual brokenness and to date I am willingly intertwining in His love, kindness and gentleness. Today I no longer have a hatred or fear of men and I have discernment at forty paces. Today I know His grace and Love to me, today I know who I truly am and today I am the woman in Him I was born to be.
HE IS THE RESTORER OF PATHS TO DWELL IN
Today because of Him He has uprooted and caused me to overcome that deep root of abandonment and rejection. He has enabled me to pinpoint the causations of a twisted spirit that no longer do I seek my mother’s approval or relationship or bonding in other women or do I look for the woman she wished I was in them. No longer am I attracted to the red head she wanted me to be no longer can this hold power over me. No longer am I attracted to the feminine woman that I wanted so desperately to remain; it would surface but I would always go back to the comfortableness of my masculine protective self. HE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH
Today because of Him I have a new self-opinion, new sets of memories, wonderful experiences of Him His presence His liquid Love. Today I’ve gone from grief to glory, I have value beyond my understanding, dignity and worth that no one could take from me; today I have a lifestyle I would not trade to go back to homosexual love or lust with women. Today I belong to Him He is truly the restorer and deliver of my soul. HE IS THE LOVER OF MY SOUL
Today because of Him I have purpose and because of His anointing I am the author of Understanding and Overcoming Homosexuality with Prayer Strategy andOvercoming Rejection with Prayer Strategy and nine other books. Today His calling from the womb
to write “To a Thousand Generations of Women” brings forth His Anointing and to date His Anointing is for ministry www.triumphantministriestoowoomba.com being built up and also www.overcomingandunderstandinghomosexuality.com a blog site for keys for those who want to heal from same sex attraction.
HE IS MY RABBI AND MASTER
“He has anointed me to preach good news and proclaim liberty to those captive and an opening of prison doors of those who are bound.” Isaiah 61:1
He has brought so much healing and changes from the woman I was when I first visited The Community Baptist Church to ‘get saved’ and have my past washed away in baptism. Today He has done such a great transition and transformation that it’s so obvious. His beauty adorns me His presence is with me and deep down I know I’m not that former woman any longer that ran from self in a forty foot bus, today I am born again. Today I am so restored, so transformed that I am so comfortable in being feminine and connected with being a woman. HE IS THE RESORER OF MY SOUL
Today I no longer identify as being a lesbian but a woman of God, a woman who has been delivered from darkness and set free from the chains that once bound me in abandonment fear addiction and homosexuality. Yes homosexual lust is there and it can surface and has done in my mind; then so can the alcohol addiction and the drug addiction surface if I choose to resurrect them to walk back in any of those areas of darkness. But I refuse to go back to or give free rein to or indulge in those lifestyles, I have chosen and I choose His lifestyle - His love - His way of living, I choose to stay faithful, for His crown awaits me.
HE IS THE WAY THE TRUTH AND THE LIFE AND THE LIGHT
I exalt Him He has brought me so far into Himself and into His Love and into newness of life and womanhood that I do not truely want to walk away and I strongly believe He would not let me go. HE IS THE PERFECT LOVE THAT CASTS OUT FEAR
Today the God of our universe loves and understands me beyond my comprehension and this God I want to know, and this God I want more of in my life. This God Yahweh and His Son Jesus Christ I truly cannot live without and I confess neither do I want to be without or live without. HE IS THE GREAT I AM
Just give me Jesus - I want no other life then the Life They give.
JUST GIVE ME JESUS
Be blessed and be a blessing
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